I only keep going because I know my life cannot stop here.
I have to tell myself all the time that I still have a future even if it's not with you. There are so many people in this world and I'll never know if you were the right one or not until I go out and find the answer myself. That means being without you. Who knows how long? Who knows if I'll ever come back?
I walk in the hallways like it is the most energy I can give, replaying every moment of our relationship together and refusing to make eye contact with anyone. I walk as if you are always watching me, even when I know you are watching her. In the end, all I saw was a hazy recollection of our intimacy, touching, flirting, sweet and sexual. It still makes me horny. A ruined, nostalgic kind of desire.
Every night since September 24th except for two, I have dreamt about you. Each morning after a sweet and lustful account of our love in my sleep, I wake up from lucid dreaming and am literally astonished to rediscover that we are separated. It happens every morning. I have thought and thought about the strangest parts of you and how much I love you during the hours I am sleeping, and then in the morning, there comes a wave of heat and my stomach drops and I remember: we are not dating anymore.
This morning I saw you kiss her for the first time. It was gentle and subtly passionate, like the way you kissed me. You did it right in front of me, but I know that you probably did not know I was there. The two people standing in front of me just happened to separate to open my sight up to the view that made me hold my breath and turn around with panicked immediacy.
It hurt so badly, seeing that. It was like waking up from another dream of you. It seems you are aware of how bitter and morose I am over losing you, and I know you would never intentionally flaunt your relationship to bother me, yet you pile and pile upon public intimacy. I do not expect you to accommodate to my trauma; I just thought you’d be more considerate than this. The Facebook posts are three times as much as we ever made, the flirting all splayed out in the comments for me to voraciously read and sob over. The photos, the jingling of your goddamn keys so I can hear you wherever you go, your arm around her every minute, the flirting and cuddling in art club, kissing in the mornings, it’s all so much, it makes me light-headed just to type it. How could that be with anyone else?
We did so much, we did too much. We were just obsessive teenagers and even though we are growing into who we want to be, just trying to find out what that is, it wasn't healthy, what we did. We were addicted to each other. We were ignorant. And we may even have never truly been compatible, even from the beginning. We have such differing views on so many things, but we always complemented each others' intellects; we flirted so well and you know my body inside out. I fear that no one will ever touch me so perfectly without me needing to spell everything out. You knew everything that I wanted and you gave it to me unhesitantly as if using my own hands.
I fantasize about having anxiety attacks as I walk to my classes, backing up against a wall with my head thrown upward in a seizure-like gesture and completely dissolving into shallow breathing and stiff spasms. I imagine you seeing just how much I'm containing.
I know this is irrational. I just cannot quiet my mind around you.
I don't want to wait around for you forever. I will kill myself watching you love her.
I will not tell myself that I have to move on, but I have to love something else now. I’ll never stop loving you, but I won’t let you keep hurting me like this. I thought that I wanted to wait for you, but I just want to be happy. I want you to be happy too, but if there's something inside me that wants you to be happy with her, then it hasn't spoken to me yet. But today, I have to be happy on my own. I have to be enough by myself, and I have to rid myself of the routine of our romance. It still hangs around over my head.
I am going to leave now. I want to stop looking back over my shoulder finding that you aren't there. But if you ever turn around, I'll be here. It might never be the same, and I can't see myself opening up to you like it used to be, but I won't avoid you if you come looking again. God knows I can't get you out of my life. Not even if I wanted to.
I hope we can learn from our mistake.
You know that I love you.