ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
i hold these scissors
just inches from
my paper lungs,
for i asked
and you responded
with your body
and the trails
left by your hands
were more labyrinthine
than any corridor
of my hideous mind
that night
hit me so hard
that dawn cracked
my forehead
and i'm blue-sighted
for your breath on my neck
just inches from
my paper lungs,
for i asked
and you responded
with your body
and the trails
left by your hands
were more labyrinthine
than any corridor
of my hideous mind
that night
hit me so hard
that dawn cracked
my forehead
and i'm blue-sighted
for your breath on my neck
© 2013 - 2024 ignotism
Comments10
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
firstly, i love the title. it is blinding like madness and shocking like electricity, and really helps send the pulses throughout the reader for the poem.
i think it's fine the way it is: small and simple.
the imagery is haunting; i especially like the last stanza (and the fact that there's no period hah). i think you used understatement well. the words really just linger on your mind.
one thing that made me wince slightly while i was reading it though: i feel like "paper" as an allusion to fragility is overused. the metaphors and imagery in your poem are all so striking and unique that "paper lungs" kind of makes the beginning of the poem kind of stale. since the beginning of a poem is important, it's really the title that really made me want to keep reading.
overall, though, i love this poem. & love the way you wove the longing emotion into the desperation.
i think it's fine the way it is: small and simple.
the imagery is haunting; i especially like the last stanza (and the fact that there's no period hah). i think you used understatement well. the words really just linger on your mind.
one thing that made me wince slightly while i was reading it though: i feel like "paper" as an allusion to fragility is overused. the metaphors and imagery in your poem are all so striking and unique that "paper lungs" kind of makes the beginning of the poem kind of stale. since the beginning of a poem is important, it's really the title that really made me want to keep reading.
overall, though, i love this poem. & love the way you wove the longing emotion into the desperation.